In My Name

I love my kids more than life itself and would do anything to protect them and keep them safe.  I know a lot of parents who say they would do anything for their kids. How often do we see people who actually do that anything?  People crossing the border with their children “illegally” are doing exactly that thing. They are trying to take their kids out of a desperate, dangerous situation that they have no hope of surviving otherwise.  And faced with the same conditions, I believe any of us would do the exact same thing.

I am blessed to have been born into a country where I have the opportunity to be relatively safe.  I am lucky to have the ability to be a lot safer than even others in this very country. I live in a home where I can keep my kids warm in the winter, fed and clothed and we don’t fear our surroundings.  My kids are happy and healthy; in fact, they are flourishing. Yes, we were lucky to be born here in a country like this, without the threat of violence or death. Without the need to risk everything to keep my kids safe.

Not everyone enjoys my level of safety.  Not even in this country! But there are those whose lives are so desperate that they really have no other choice.  So they come to America, “the shining city on a hill”, the moral country that has long welcomed those suffering souls in other countries.  We venerate a statue with the words encouraging people to come here to be free. And yet, here we are, looking at our country that in a cruel and callous way demonizing and traumatizing those who seek to be somewhere they can be safe.  

I was raised to treat others the way I want to be treated.  I have lived my life by this credo. I know many in this country who claim to be “Christian” and claim this as a “Christian country”.  Well, by your own definition of this term, the actions being done in our name is so not what my understanding and memory of it is.

What kind of people would tear kids from their parents the way we are doing to these people who have done nothing but what any one of us in their situation would be doing.  They were not lucky enough to be born here. They wouldn’t be trying to come here if their families lives didn’t depend on it. And our “Christian” benevolent way of helping them is to rip their kids from them and throw those kids in detention centers no better than jail.  

I have an 8 month old baby who wants Mommy.  She cries when I am not right there where she can see me.  The thought of these poor kids being put in these places with no support, makes me physically ill.  I imagine crying babies in dirty diapers left to cry. I imagine workers at these facilities having to hear these cries and not being allowed to help these poor kids.  I mean for crying out loud-they can’t even change diapers!!

Please tell me how this is ok!  Please tell me how the cruelty being done in OUR name is ok.  Tell me how anyone can stand by and not be outraged beyond belief!  If this was being done to Americans in some other country and their kids you can damn well be sure there would be marching in the streets.  And yet we hear people say how this is the law!! There was a law that allowed black people to be separated from their families and sold. That was the law, so no one should have tried to do anything about it, right?  Those who helped runaway slaves were disobeying a law, so they should not have done it, right? This isn’t even a fucking law! This is an interpretation of a law intended to protect kids from human trafficking. This is a cruel and mean policy  that shouldn’t be who we are.

We were the moral authority in the world once.  We cannot make that claim anymore. I mean, there have been other things that made that term meaningless before this, but what we are doing right now removes all doubt.  This country has chipped away at every ounce of decency over the past few decades until we have reached this. Children who have done nothing wrong being ripped from parents who have done nothing wrong.  Some may disagree with me on that, but as a human being I will not say that parents trying to do what they need to do to protect their families are doing something wrong.

I look at my children who I am trying to teach to be kind and compassionate.  I am teaching them to treat others the way they themselves want to be treated.  I am teaching them to try to think of others who may be making bad decisions or doing something they don’t like and why they would be doing this thing.  And then, in their name our country spits in the face of everything my parents taught me and I have been trying to impress upon my kids.

For a year now we have heard about how football players kneeling is disrespecting our country.  Yet spitting on the flag and everything we have always been told it stands for is perfectly acceptable.  Yes, kneeling is disrespecting our military, yet trampling all over everything they fought and died for is ok.  

This is my country.  This country belongs to all of us, and what is being done WE are doing.  So, when you sit with your kids at the dinner table, or drive them to school, or play with your baby, remember that at the same time you hold your child, there are people on the border who had their kids stolen and don’t even know where they are.  While you sing or read to your child, there are people on the border who haven’t been able to talk to their kids. And while your children live in the safety of your gaze and knowing you are there, hundreds if not thousands of kids sit crying and traumatized in detention centers alone not knowing what’s going on or where their family are.  

There are babies crying, with no comfort.  There are families suffering unimaginable pain unnecessarily in your name.  And you and I will have to live with this stain on our flag and our honor as a country now.  If we stand up and demand it be stopped maybe we can redeem ourselves some, but we will never be rid of the stain.  I for one do not want to be a country that does this to people. I hope you feel the same. I hope this country is better than this administration would like to believe we are.  We have strayed so far from the country we once were. We can decide to keep going down this path of cruelty, or we can say no more. I hope we are better than this.

Judging others

I am going to write about a post this morning.  A post about fat poor women.  Such vile and ignorant comments followed.  I posted a reply about how hard it is to be poor and fresh fruits and vegetables are too expensive for ME and I am not 'poor' like the people mentioned in the comments and the post.
I wish I were more like my sister.  She seems to be able to stay cool and calm and responds clearly and concisely.  She doesn't seem to let the comments get her flustered.  I can't.  I get myself so worked up and upset.  I keep mulling it over in my head trying to figure out why these people are so mean and judgmental.

I hear so much from so many people about how lazy poor people are.  They just lay around sponging off everyone else.  They have cell phones and internet and omg!!  CABLE TV!!  Why do you care, I think.  So fucking what.  Why is it your business.

So then I try to explain it to them.  What it's like to be poor.  Oh, walking is FREE!  Get off your lazy ass and walk.  Stop buying candy bars with your food stamps and then buying beer and cigarettes.  Of course... EVERYONE on assistance is doing just that.  I didn't do that.  I guess I take it personally.  I have been on food stamps.  Oh... but you are different.  How... How am I different!!  You know that most people on food stamps are white and have a job.  Instead of pissing and moaning about how lazy poor folks are, why don't you get mad at the real problem.... Walmart and other corporations that pay as little as possible and then tell their employees to go apply for food stamps.  Yes, it does happen.  Walmart and it's ilk are the so called welfare queens, not these people just trying to keep their heads above water.

I wish I could just let it go.  I can't.  And it will ruin my day thinking about the rude asshole comments these faceless internet users are saying.  I don't know them.  Why should I care!!  But I just want to cry, as if all their rude comments are addressed to me.  Well, you need to stop buying junk and buy healthy food.  It's easy!  I do.  I can get meat for $4.99/lb and buy organic etc...  and make great healthy meals.  I walk.  I can do it.  You are just making excuses!!  First of all, let me stop you right there.  There is no way in hell I can afford to pay $4.99 for a pound of meat.  We don't buy fucking pork chops because of how much they are.  I try to buy a chicken which at Aldi is $5 or $6 and make chicken and chicken stock that I try to stretch as far as I can go.  I'm lucky if I can afford the 80/20 crappy ground beef instead of the 75/25 one.  I don't buy ground beef though.... I buy ground turkey because it is cheaper.  I buy whatever I can try to get to stretch for as long as I can.

Well, just eat less meat.  Sure.  Less than I already do, you mean.  When we take two pieces of chicken and stretch it for 5 people.  Should I eat less than THAT!!  Believe me, I do everything I can to try to eat healthier while trying to feed  3 kids and 2 adults on less than $100/biweekly.  And I'm one of the lucky ones.

Oh, when I was a kid we could eat healthy and always had plenty of healthy fruits and vegetables.  Sure.... When was that!  I don't know if you realize, but what you could buy 'when I was a kid' is a lot more than you can buy now.  I cringe at Aldi when I spend $50 on half a cart of food.

I am at home.  So I can do more than most others can.  A lot of these lazy people you speak of work at least one low wage job.  Probably 2.  Maybe even more.  They don't even have insurance.  Oh, sure, maybe they have 'insurance'.  The kind where you have to pay thousands before the insurance company has to pay a dime.  At least they now have to at least cover preventative stuff.  But so what.  You go to get a mammogram and find out you have cancer.... who can afford to do anything about it!!

I can't afford 'healthy' grass fed beef or organic this or gluten free that.  I buy rice and beans, make my own tortillas, cake mix, hot chocolate for the kids.... I could go on.  And I get razzed about all my DIY stuff from my family.  I feel sometimes like a joke.  But to do that I have to buy stuff upfront. When I make laundry soap it costs about $20 for the stuff.  But it lasts me months.  But how many have $20 to pull out of their budget for that!

I know maybe we could make better choices for where our money goes.  The credit card payments don't help.  But I don't use them anymore.  I pay extra when I can.  But it's there and that's that.  We don't have cable.  We have inexpensive cell phones and no landline.  We have the internet (Shock) which is not a luxury but a necessity.  We struggle, just like everyone else, and we are better off than a lot of other people.  So when someone bemoans all those lazy poor people I get mad.  I just want to cry because I was never lazy.  It's hard being poor.  You have to work so hard just to keep your head above water.  And it isn't cheap.  You can't buy in bulk so you pay a lot more for everything.

When my daughter was little and we lived at that motel, I made $300/week.  Wow, that's a lot isn't it.  Sounds like a lot.  Until I paid $100 for the room, plus $5 so we could have our mini fridge from rent a center which we paid for weekly also.  Then I paid $100 for the sitter.  Who smoked in front of my kid and I had to take her to the doctor weekly because she had respiratory problems all the time.  But I couldn't afford anyone else.  Then I had to pay for gas....  To drive an hour to work and an hour home every day.  Do you know how much money I had for food after that?  NONE!  My then boyfriend was working on a house for us to move into.  If we didn't have that I don't know if we ever could have gotten out of that.  I can tell you that fruits and vegetables and healthy food were not on the menu.  I remember eating a lot of peanut butter on bread.  Anything decent we had went to our daughter.

Yes, I gained weight when I was pregnant.  And I couldn't seem to get rid of it after she was born.  Then when we moved again back to our single wide trailer we had lived in before the motel, that was another fun time.  As we paid $400/month just so we didn't freeze to death.  As our propane heat seeped out of every crack every window.  Thank god for heap for helping us.  Thank god for community action who replaced our windows, though the new windows were just like the old ones and didn't seem to help much.  We insulated, we tried everything we could to keep the heat from escaping.  But it was fruitless.

I think back to that and remember how close to homeless we were.  And then the fire happened and we lost everything.  You realize how little stuff means in that place.  That place of only having the clothes on your back and just being grateful no one got hurt.  I was so happy when our dog and cats were found wet, huddled under the trailer together, but ok.  And then my family came like angels and helped us.  Helped us get back on our feet.  We turned a terrible thing into a positive and now have our house sitting on the buried corpse of the trailer.

My husband works.  He works his butt off and we pay taxes.  We have more than paid back all the assistance we got.  Yet I still feel that glare....  every time I hear comments about those lazy poor people.  I feel it as surely as if they were talking directly to me.  Every time I go to the store to buy groceries and feel that lurch in my stomach at the register, counting in my head how much I have left to get whatever I need I think of how lucky I am because so many others have it worse.  They are the ones who are truly struggling, in the face of such vitriol.  In the face of such unabashed anger and hatred as I see displayed by so many.  They are just like me.  I am just like them.  And every time you malign them, you are maligning me.  I hope you see my face when you do,  That you are saying those things to me.  I am not different.  I am just like them.  It is me you are calling lazy.  It is me you are calling a welfare queen.  It is me.

Missing loved ones

I sit here in the wee hours of the morning unable to sleep, and I think about my mom.  I think about her most, I guess, because she was the hardest loss.  I was only 12 and I couldn't understand the concept of someone being here one minute and then gone the next.  I still needed her, and truth be told, I guess I would have still needed her now.

                                                 

I like to think that my mom is up in heaven, sitting at our dining room table playing gin rummy with my grandpa, Eleanor and my sister Margie telling everyone what Aunt Eleanor's cards were.  Now I picture my dad there, drinking his coffee and telling everyone all his stories.  Midge is there too.  I think she and Mom would have been friends; Jimmy our dog, and Fifi our cat are there too.

I like to think they are all there, fully knowing that this heaven thing could just be something we make up so that we can feel better about that gaping hole that is left in our heart when they are gone.  I want to believe it so bad, because then it makes it bearable.   Those times I wonder what my mom would think of the job I'm doing.  At holidays when I think about my dad in the room with the kids, or opening his presents so slow so he doesn't rip the paper.  Those moments when their absence is so apparent.

Everyone loses people they love.  There is no avoiding that.  And most days I am fine.  But then there are days when you feel that pang, and wish that you remembered that person in the picture.  I grasp onto those things that prove they were here, that it wasn't just my imagination.  The blanket my mom made for me, pictures of my dad the memories of which are still fresh in my mind.  Visiting with Midge's sister Judy.

I try not to let myself cry.  We all have to make that journey at some point.  It's hard to explain to a 4 year old, 8 year old and 15 year old.  I look at my oldest, Emily, and think about myself at that age.  How differently her life is than mine was.  And after everything I have gone through with my girls, I wish I could say I am sorry to my mom for all the trouble I caused her, and for all the things I said to her.  I always tell the girls that when you say things, you can't always take them back.

The world goes on, and I will get back to that place again, where life takes over these moments of sadness.  And when my girls ask about Grandpa and Fifi, I will tell them about that place called heaven, where the ones we love go and watch over us.  Do I believe it?  I have to.  I want so bad to believe it, and for now it's the easiest way for them to understand that which cannot be explained.

Yes, I miss my mom and my dad, my grandparents, Aunt Eleanor, Midge, and my beloved pets.  I was lucky to have been able to have them with me for a brief period in my life.  Each of them helped to make me who I am today.  They have left an indelible mark on me and helped to shape the person I am today.  And that means they are still helping to shape my children's lives as well.

So I will end this as it began, with a dining room table and a game of gin rummy.  Smoke lingers in the air as Rosalie, Carl and Eleanor take their turns putting down their pennies for their bets.  David sits with his coffee, telling everyone about his travels.  Midge holds her cigarette in her fingers as she prepares to take a sip of her tea.  And Margie runs around the table with Fifi and starts calling out numbers.  Eleanor is not amused.  And Jimmy lays in the doorway, making sure that no one can pass by without having to get by him.  And there is joyous laughter amid the voices as the scene fades to black.

Gratitude

Gratitude.  It's something we oft forget to think about in our daily lives as we make our way through the days.  Screaming and fighting kids who refuse to pick up after themselves can make a person quite grumpy and wish for a place to steal away to.  It's hard to remember to be grateful when you feel so frustrated.

I know I myself try to find the silver lining in things, but it takes me a bit sometimes.  When you go out in the world and see people with their fancy cars and beautiful houses, and they are going here and there, it makes you long for things you cannot have.  Long for things you haven't even been thinking about wanting or needing.  It can make a person feel depressed and wanting.

Things aren't always as they seem though, from the outside looking in.  You see the shiny cars and fancy things, but you don't see the endless hours of working and the pile of debt hanging over someone's head. You don't see the other things in that person's life that you may not envy at all if you knew about.  We all have a face we show the world and you are seeing that public face without any idea what lies behind that mask.

And just as you are pining for the things you see others having, someone is looking at what you have and wishing they had it.  Who knows, even the person you are envying may be envying you.  And if you look back over the years of your own life and circumstances, you might find that the you from back then wanted what you have right now.

Fancy things are not the stuff happiness is made of.  When I stop to think about it, I can realize how lucky I am to have the things I do.  No one has a perfect life, but I know that I have a home, a husband who loves me and 3 beautiful, annoying, sarcastic kids who drive me crazy and leave a mess everywhere, but will almost always try to cheer me up when I am down. Who will give me a hug and do the things I do for them when they are hurt or sad.  

I love my life.  It might take me a bit, but I realize that I don't even want most of the things I wish I had that others do.  Sure there are things that I want, but they aren't the things themselves, but the things they represent, like being able to go out for an anniversary.  Having someone treat your birthday as something special even if you don't.  These are the things I really want.

But I do get those things, even if it is not in the traditional way.  Instead of flowers, it is a bed made, so I don't have to do it along with all the other things I have to do in the morning.  It is all those pictures of me with a sun shining above me that Abby gives me with a big smile on her face.  It is the way Ashley can be so nice and helpful when I need it.  And it is the way Emily seems to prattle on incessantly about whatever seems to be all she thinks about this week.  

Life is a funny thing.  There so many things in my life that I had once wished were otherwise, but I realize that without them, I would not be who I am right now.  I would not be as lucky as I am right now.  I am grateful for the things I have.  So many don't have a home, a loving spouse and 3 kids who love me so much.  I realize just how much I would long for these things if I didn't have them.  And once I realize all the things I have to be thankful for, I don't feel so wanting.  I feel gratitude.

New Ad Shows The Sneaky Ways We Keep Girls Away From Science

I saw this video today and find it very interesting, and it makes sense.  As a woman, I grew up being given dolls and tea sets.  As subtle as it was, I knew even then that it was social engineering.  I am not saying that math or science was my strong suit.  I was always english and reading.  But I have seen young girls being told not to get dirty.

Today it seems even worse.  The pink and blue in the toy aisle seems a sort of barrier.  My own girls have said they couldn't get a toy because it was for boys.  I always tell them that if they like it, then they can get that toy.  It doesn't matter what section it is from.  The only time I tell them not to get dirty is if they are wearing their good clothes and they are waiting for the bus or we have to go somewhere that they need to be clean for.  Most times I tell them a little dirt never hurt anyone.  That's what soap and water are for.

I am hyper sensitive, I suppose, to the things my girls are exposed to.  I always tell them not to let anyone tell them they can't do something.  You can do anything you set your mind to.  And don't ever think you can't do something because you are a girl.

It's like a battle you have to fight as a mother to ensure your kids don't fall victim to the subliminal messages they are exposed to.  From body image to what they can do, there are so many things that can negatively affect them. I don't shield them from everything, but instead choose to address them as they come.  I ask questions when there is an ad about makeup or beauty products.  I explain why I emphasize their intelligence and how they treat others over outward appearance.

Some girls grow up thinking that all they are is what they look like.  I do not want that for my kids.  I tell them they are beautiful, sure.  But I also tell them that they are smart and funny and creative.  If you are always concerned about your appearance, you are basing your self worth on others.  True beauty comes from inside. In my own experience, I find intelligence and kindness to others to be more attractive than what someone looks like.

Sometimes I worry that being a stay at home mom sends my girls a message about their jobs.  I make sure to tell them that they have the choice.  I chose to stay home and raise my girls.  It was very important to me that I be here for them.  They can do whatever they choose.  I encourage them to go out and go to college and experience life before worrying about family and getting married and such.  It's a lot harder to go to college when you have kids to take care of.  It's possible, but I hope they would take care of themselves and figure out what they want for themselves before worrying about any of that.  Because once they get involved with a guy, they will probably put themselves to the back of the line and put him first.  Put yourself first and find your way before that happens.

If I sound bitter, I am not.  I am realistic.  I went out and worked and went to community college.  I honestly didn't really think about dating or any of that.  I was focused on school.  I wasn't the nicest to guys who asked me out, I confess.  It wasn't that I didn't like guys....  I just had something going on and didn't have an interest in that at the time.  When I met my husband I was in a place where he could sneak into a blind spot and somehow got past my armor.  I was done with college and was working.  I wasn't focused on my goals at that point.

It's not that I don't want my girls to get married and live a happy life.  It is because I want those things for them that I try to focus them on what THEY want so that they can go out and reach for it before they start putting others first.  I want them to experience life and find out who they are before they worry about everyone else's needs.  And in a relationship, that is what you do.  You will have a better chance of finding the right partner for you if you know more about yourself and have the confidence to know your worth and to expect to be treated right by people.  And hopefully they will then be able to have a good life, which is all any parent wants for their kids, right?

Summer

As I sit here watching the summer snow float across the yard landing on anything and everything, I wonder even as I had longed for it through the cold winter, how fast summer came.  One by one my girls have finished school.  Emily is now to be a 10th grader, Abby in kindergarten.  In a couple of days Ashley will be done and leaving 3rd grade behind her.  A tired phrase, but still true, how fast they grow up.

It is so great to see a smile on their faces, the sparkle in their eyes.  When they laugh I think of innocence.  I wonder if I ever felt that way, laughed that way.  So free.  I try to record it in my memory for when they are grown up.  As much stress and frustration as I feel as we experience the growing pains, it is these precious moments when they aren't fighting and they are just being kids who enjoy life.

Couponing 101

I have just created a new blog about couponing.  It is just basic info about couponing for anyone interested in learning more about it.  I have included links to some of the sites I go to for matchups and to find printable coupons and also use the database if I am looking for a specific coupon from the Sunday paper inserts. I hope you will find it helpful, and I may post some matchups myself at some point.